My boys and some random feels!

Holding my finger, he sleeps in comfort
A warm hug, a cuddle, and his fragrance is real
The day was busy, the clutter in my room could tell 
His excitement is unmatchable, almost a ride to the moon. 

I check on his elder one in the next room
Tired after enjoying a zestful day with his little bro
He was smiling in his sleep, I stood there and noticed 
The boys took away the grey from this long gloomy day!

I watch them both in their beds, and say my prayers
Gratitude overwhelms me, joy fills my heart
Blessed are we, the beds are warm
The kids are dreaming, and there is hope.

My Moon

I wait for him by my window,

Sometimes he doesn't come, plays elusive

And when I am not looking, he smiles

In the silence of those long, lonely nights,

I tell him all my stories

He listens, casting amorous glances

He likes to pose for me,

Stands tall right in my balcony,

Insists on a ‘close up’

He moves when he sees me crying

Draws closer, peeps in through the window too

I feel his warmth, sleep in solace 

Is it love, or mere fascination

I never ask myself
He shines for me, I smile, we exist!

Stories of Death

Few days ago, a friend mentioned that she was upset with my over involvement (!!!) in Covid19 relief and complained that those days, I would go on and on about how cases are growing, how are people coming together to help, how are we trying to arrange resources for patients who reach out to us for help etc. etc. "You were so absorbed, because you make it about yourself", she said. She seemed upset, her tone was accusatory and she even hinted that I may be someone who tries to associate myself with death. I'm not sure what that meant, thought I've spend nights thinking about it. I don't know yet.

Stories of death have a strange way of reaching me. Many times, it is the death of people who I do not know personally, or may have briefly interacted with. But the news stays with me. The pain stays with me. I keep going back to think about their family.

Last evening, my insurance agent came visiting and his assistant was on call with someone. The name was very unique, so it took me no time to figure out that she was talking to the wife of someone I know.

She disconnected the call, looked at the agent and said, "Let's go meet <name withheld> madam after this and close the paper work. I feel so bad for her". "Bad", I exclaimed? "What...has something happened in the family", I asked. "Yes, she lost her husband to Corona in May", the girl replied. I could feel the rush of blood in my heart and I excused myself, took a minute to breathe and then returned back to my discussion with the agent. The man who died was my husband's friend. Ever since my husband passed away, I'd not seen him, but I knew his family and hence kept thinking about them.

Today, while returning my car after the regular service, the Harpreet Ford executive told me about how they were all busy because of the death of their General Manager. "Do you mean Mr. <name withheld>", I asked. He said yes, his eyes turned wet, and here's what he told me: After shopping with his family near Sohna Road in Gurgaon, the young GM was walking towards his car. A vehicle tossed him up in the air, and sped away, leaving him injured on the road. His wife and little kids kept shouting for help. People slowed down to look at them, but no one stopped to help. Finally, just as they managed to convince an auto driver to take them to the nearest hospital, local family members arrived to help. By the time they got him to the hospital, it was late. My interaction with the GM was related to some issues in my new Ford car (back in 2018), and I think he was very professional and polite. I feel sorry about his family, especially his kids. They saw their dad dying on the road, surrounded by a pathetic, insensitive, hollow society.

So this weekend brought me two sad news in the most unexpected ways. I will get over them, but not before thinking about the two families a couple of times. Blame me, call me a sadist...I just know I get moved by instances of death because I have lost too many people too soon. I am not ashamed that I have a heart that can grow to accommodate other's sorrows.

I am with SRK, dil se

On my first visit to the Red Chillies Entertainment's office, I was overwhelmed. For once, I was happy about myself and I was so so proud. It was a dream come true for me. My team couldn't get enough of those unending shelves with SRK's trophies. One of us almost broke down & kissed SRK's picture. It was a pilgrimage, which I am sure none of us will ever forget.

SRK taught generations of Indians what it feels like to love and to be loved. But today, as he is being targeted for not siding with the establishment, there is fear in Bollywood. If they can target SRK, and trap his son, the others would definitely be scared. Makes you wonder what is BJP punishing SRK for? Refusing to post from a playbook? Or be a brand ambassador?

In all of this, it is painful how Aryan is being victimised, and I hope and pray he is able to emerge stronger from this crisis. I stand with Shah Rukh Khan, dl se.

“Bandhan Hai Rishton Mein

Kaaton Ki Taarein Hain

Patthar Ke Darwaaze Deewaarein

Belein Phir Bhi Ugti Hain

Aur Guchchhe Bhi Khilte Hain

Aur Chalte Hain Afsaane

Kirdaar Bhi Milte Hain

Vo Rishtey Dil Dil Dil Thay”

Change the dialogue, have a clean conscience

Today, MoS Home Ajay Kumar Mishra is the chief guest at a conference organised by Bureau of Police Research and Development. His son, Ashish Kumar, mowed down four farmers under his car on October 3, and since then, state govt under Yogi has deployed the entire UP Police force to restrict & detain opposition leaders unlawfully, even as Ashish remains a free man and his father is enjoying his privileges. The video of Ashish is available on many sources online, and I find it too painful to watch and share.

I heard a lot of 'farmers are causing inconvenience' stories recently during a visit to my hometown. While I empathise with all those who face traffic snarls, I am not sure why not even one person has blamed the govt for not intervening. Have we become too self absorbed? More than 500 farmers have died and we must expect the govt to hold a dialogue and mitigate the situation.

The least we can do is modify the whatsapp-inspired message of 'farmers ne dukhi kiya hai' to a truth seeking 'sarkaar kuch karti kyon nahi'?

Grow your heart

 The corona crisis will leave behind a lot of learnings for us. Here's my list:

1. 
   Life is short. Do not carry the baggage of negative thoughts, feelings and people. Drop the bag.
2. Fill your heart with gratitude. If you have food in the fridge, roof on your head and oxygen in your lungs, thank the universe for it everyday.
3. Forgive and forget. I am struggling with this, but I will get there someday.

Michachhāmi Dukkaḍaṃ (meaning, let the evil that has been done, be forgiven) is observed today to seek forgiveness from all, for mistakes committed knowingly or unknowingly. A good day to initiate a course correction in life, stay humble and stay in peace.

Strength to my sisters in Afghanistan

Can't take this out of my mind. What is happening in Afghanistan right now is so gut wrenching. The locals almost mobbed the city’s airport trying to flee...some managed to escape, many could not, and these three men met their death in the most horrific way.

During their earlier rule, Taliban forbade the right to education and right to work for women and refused them to step outside their homes without a male relative.

Since they've gained control, the burqa shops in Kabul are seeing increase in sales and there is looming fear. But the younger women in universities and women journalists are determined to not give in and stand up for their rights. Many reports emerging from Afghanistan show fearless women standing firm against the Taliban, some actually standing in front of a gun pointing at them, to uphold their personal rights and liberties. They are giving tough resistance to the Taliban in several cities. 

My heart goes out to all the women in Afghanistan. I fear for them, I pray, and I wish them well. Godspeed!

The dark days

V's father was breathing from an Oxygen cylinder. That night, his supply was running out. V went to nearby hospitals, but could not find a bed to admit his dad. His father was not looking good, and V was doing everything in his capacity to find oxygen cylinders. With limited means and no family in proximity, he kept struggling till 1am. At last, he called my co-volunteer, Pranjal, who swung into action and convinced a Sardarji to open his store and provide Oxygen cans.

We were all under severe stress, V was in panic. When I asked Sardarji about money, he said, 'take the oxygen cans right now, save the man first'. I quickly booked an Uber, and requested the driver to rush to V's house with the cans. Pranjal was on call with V, trying to calm him down ...his dad's breath was getting heavier. 'Papa ke nails blue ho rahe hain', V said.

V's dad stopped breathing. He was dead. Pranjal alerted the local cops so that someone could be there to take care of the body and be there for young V. He had seen his dad dying infront of him, wanting to breathe...terrible shock for a young boy.

That night, I froze, almost went into shock. The pain that V must have gone through & my guilt for not being able to help him on time comes back every night. Between me, Pranjal & all volunteers who were associated with us, we have many such stories. Stories of pain, misery, helplessness and loss.

It's okay to be strong, it's okay to be weak

We knew it was a pandemic. Yet, we didn't want our lives to be affected. Some took vacations, many could not stop partying and get togethers, many married and some even planned babies (!!!). The govt did nothing to save us, but let's not forget that most of us ignored all warnings. We were in some false belief that it cannot hit us, or may just touch and go like a normal seasonal virus. 'Sab ko hona hai' was the narrative. 'We can't just sit at home'. A dear friend recently told me not to be a paranoid, else I may land up in an asylum.

If only people had shown some restrain, many homes may not have lost their near and dear ones. If only we'd not used our contacts to call 1000 people at our parties/ weddings, or gotten passes to travel through the lockdown, or used our connections to illegally run our businesses. The entitlement didn't save anyone. Nor the eagerness to 'look at the positive side'.

Having said that, I feel for all those who were at work because they had no choice, and got infected. Also, all those who were at home, but still got it...all the frontline workers...who put their lives in danger to save many through diminishing oxygen, medicine supplies and common sense.

In these difficult times, let us also pay attention when you feel someone is in trouble but avoids conversation. STOP saying, 'start again', 'sab theek hoga', 'you have everything', 'don't be depressed'. Make yourself available to listen and neither judge, nor shoot advice. I am here to listen, not judge. I am here to help, not advice. It is okay to appear weak, break down, admit failures. Reach out to your friends. Seek help. Don't give up you lovely people. And please, call me if anything is bothering you.

No, do not celebrate us on Women's Day!

Most women in India are struggling for their basic rights - right to food, hygiene, education, marriage and reproduction at will. We are a country where women are dropping out of schools after puberty because there are no toilets. There are women who are forced to undergo abortions till they produce a male child. Some of them, under-age and under-nourished, lose the battle and pass away.

In the posh lanes of our metros, domestic crimes against women are on a rise. The risk to mental health of women is at an all time high. Marital rape is common, and the screams of women who are abused, tortured are conveniently are even today, ignored by the neighbours.

It pains to see how the burning issues and requirements of women are trivialized. Media is neither reporting number of unsolved cases of crime against women, nor reporting stories of women who are struggling in the rural bylanes of the country, seeking help in breastfeeding, in bringing up their children, in supporting them if something happens to their husbands. Nobody is talking about the undernourished girls who do not get a fair share from the menu, because the stock is limited, and the best is reserved for their brothers. 

Urban India can be blind to the horrid condition of women in the deeper regions of the country. But even in the cities, why can't we focus on financial independence and career avenues, rather than painting a picture of the career women with a baby by her side and looking like a sacrificed goat. We need to think harder about what women want. 

'Treat her like a princess' is passé. Giving her special treatment in the corridors of patriarchy will not help. Let her free, educate and empower her, make her financially independent - now that is a message that we need. Not to be special, but to be equal. Not to be kind, loving, caring, amazing, super woman, but to be who we are.