Maulik, mom loves you!

The most wonderful thing in life is to see your kids grow up. The way they observe, talk, walk, eat – everything is so dynamic and you can never match the speed.

Maulik is a sensitive kid. He saw us when papa passed away and without saying or asking much, was an integral part of our cynical life. He would say things that we never expected from a 5 year old.

His concern towards naani, the video he shot for her when she was in the hospital, his attempt to avoid any conversation around an accident, his saying sorry to the stars (naanu as he would call one of them) one day when he misbehaved with naani – all of it is saying the unsaid pain and anxiety in him. The day he met mom in the hospital, he was quick to say, ‘chalo achha hai naani God ke paas nahi ja rahi’.

Today, everyone talks about Maulik turning a naughty kid, naughtier than what he was an year back. I scold him, scream at him and fail to straighten him. But somehow, deep within I can see my failure in his behavior. For almost 6 months after papa passed away, I was never with him. He spent his days either with cousins, friends or neighbors, but never with me. He wandered on his journey from the age of 5 to 6, the very crucial years of his life, and I was busy with my own self, trying to gain strength to overcome the blows of life. In the process – I clearly ignored him.

While all of us complain about his behavior, I can see through him when he is sleeping next to me, sliding his hands in my t-shirt. I have failed enormous times in asking someone else to drop him at the bus stop so that I do not miss my cab. But I eventually miss it everyday. ‘Mom will drop me’ he would maintain. He even threatened to quit school if I cannot drop him to the bus stop. Countless discussions and here’s the final verdict with moisture in the eyes – ‘aap soft soft meri jaan ho, aur koi itna pyaara nahi and so I will not go with anyone else’. Speechless I was.

I have spent the entire year cribbing and complaining, cursing God for taking away so much from me. Someone who was always there, someone who, I feel is much more precious than anything I could ever deserve - Maulik, meaning precious.

Maulik, I am seeing the sensitive little fool in you. The mature mind who gets fidgety the moment he senses gloom in the house. I am sorry if I ignored you somewhere, and I promise to make life better and this world more beautiful for you.

Life after papa.

And there we were. Mom, Abby and Anuj, with teeka smeared on our forehead and roli on our wrists. There was silence, in the temple, and inside. Wet eyes, dry thoughts, and papa in our prayers. This was the day, an year ago, when papa was made to leave us.

We blamed God, we blamed the driver who rammed his truck into him, we blamed our destiny – but nothing made it easier to accept the hitting reality – papa was no more. The Whys and the Hows of what happened to us remained unanswered. The only piercing answer to everything was his death. The fact that he was no more.

And then we reached the orphanage. The same place where we celebrated maulik’s birthday last year. As papa had helped him slice the cake, the little faces were gleaming at the thought of gulping it. There was joy, so intrinsic to papa’s presence.

Today, our visit was rather sober.

A lot has changed for us in this year. Though emotionally we feel broke, mentally we have become much tougher. All of us, including Maulik. The little one asks intense questions about naanu, and I can never answer. So many things have pained us cruelly. Like the time when mom returned from the hospital and was face to face with papa’s picture on the wall. Or when after getting my promotion letter at the last job, I so much wanted to call papa. Recently at shopping, when glancing through those kurtas I pointed at one for her, I saw mom turning her face away. Beautiful crimson it was; clearly not the color she wants to consider now. It hurt. It fuckin’ did hurt.

The year has taught me that it is not just a life that falls silent. It is an entire world that crashes, a beautiful era that vanishes. The house that papa tastefully renovated only two years back stands silent, and waiting. The thing that they most enjoyed - their evening walks - would be now so lonely for mom and slower. Her favorite possessions in the almirah - those vivacious, flashy sarees - which once defined her style statement, are now hanging redundantly. For the stylish, savvy, prim and proper mom, I hope her personality sustains against the harsh social norms.

So ya, while the world took a 360 degree turn for us, there is one thing that remains unchanged. The cheerful faces of these young bubbly kids at the orphanage. One look at them and I felt life is enduring. Ajay is 5 and treats me like a friend. He flashes a smile the moment I tell him he is the naughtiest. He indeed is. But these kids have such contented faces. They are so young to acknowledge things, but much appreciate our visit. There was a smile on my face as I tried to wipe that tear on the corner of my eye.

Life indeed is a cruel reality. But we need to go on. And smile should be essential.

Perception of Inception

Whatever Shakespeare must have said, life certainly is not a play. It’s not a game that we kind of play up and down till we are finally put to sleep.

And definitely we are not toys. Not at all. So why do we perform. Yes we do, to commands, to wishes, to emotions. Right from the word go in our life to the moment when the coordinates match up to put us to sleep, we keep struggling with our acts. And this, much as we believe, is all controlled in the heart more than in the head.

Through our life we keep playing it up in the brain and most of us fail because I guess it is not meant to be like that. We plan, we align, and we connive actions based on a strategy which defines how it will affect others. Most of what we do is extremely planned to make sure it affects the surroundings in a certain designated way. So we are playing up to achieve an objective. And that is where we try and make life complex. Life is simpler when and if we realize that it is meant to be one’s own.

Agreed emotions play up big time and drive whatever they drive. But they play up to make things better; and hence they can stay. Negative emotions are destructive – much to the generator than to the target. That’s how we have made life such complicated maze. We do the most inhuman thing of influencing behaviours, thoughts, actions – not just our own, but also of others who complete our environment.

Imagine if life was all about the head, it would not have been a difficult game. Then we could run life like a detailed flowchart with curtailed chambers, defined access, and streamlined processes. I feel the heart, or the emotion, or humane feel brings in the challenge. It is all about the scheme of things and one’s ability to perceive and see things exactly the way they are designed to be seen. It’s just a perception of your feeling positive or negative about anything in the creation. Whatever perceived with negative intention will generate negative results and same positive intentions will breed positive outcome.

Unfortunately for most of us, our life is not our life but a culmination of what and hows of others that we live by everyday to satisfy this quench of aspirations. So the whole point is to just let life flow smooth without making an effort to strategize thinking, influence conduct and try to manage outcome. Plainly put inception is just out of the order, not needed, but so much there. Inception of aspirations is the real challenge for life.

Thanks Sumit for the discussion

Father's Day - Miss you papa!!

You always thought that I did not see, The lessons of life that you were telling me,
Or that I would never carefully hear, Each of your words that were always so dear.

I did falter a lot in life, But not too long and never too dirty,
I did hurt and trouble you too much, But never lost your value-upbringing

Perhaps you thought I missed it all, And that we'd grow apart,
But papa, I was breathing everything, As it was always written on my heart.

Without you, Papa, I wouldn't be, The strong woman I am today;
You built a strong foundation, No one can take away.

I've grown up with your values, And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear papa, From your forever grateful beti.

Maulik turns 5

We needed reasons to smile. Maulik's birthday reminded me that life has to go on and the little one deserves to celebrate. Arranged a small party for him - 4 gals and 1 boy. The kids seemed to have a good time.