Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Will miss you...always.

1977 - 2013
As I rubbed my fingers on your face, everything was numb. My fingers, your face, our heart beat, even my emotions for you. Everything was dead. Just as you were. 

After sharing 15 years of life with you, it was not easy to let you go. Neither in life, nor in death. Filing divorce was as painful. It hurt almost the same. You were gone already in life, leaving us in death at this juncture was cruel. 

This struggle of living the last two years alone, and the effort of trying to be independent and reasonably stable, suddenly suffered a blow. It felt like someone had hit my back bone with a hammer. The strength, the confidence, the faith, all of it was crashing right there in front of my eyes. I wanted to win this battle with you, you defeated me with your death.

This life was unfair. We met, we loved, but we could not co-exist. I warned you. The day you crossed the road without me, I stopped you. I was in panic when you drifted from life. I was scared when I saw you crash. I wanted to hold your hand, you were already headed out for the unknown destruction. 

I could not stop you, I could not change you. Deserting you was not an option, but a decision to keep Maulik away from the misery of a deranged home. While you were gone, there were challenges thrown in every day. The rooms had gone silent, the bed was lonely, the balcony held nothing but gloom. 

In the middle of all of this, I was building life for Me and Maulik. We were taking small steps everyday, holding each other as close as we could. I was emerging stronger, he was growing smarter. In this parallel world, we were trying to create a small happy family. As much as I used to miss Papa in my struggle every day, I would miss you in his moments of achievement.

In death today, you took away a lot of me with you. There was love in holding you all these years, but there was even more love in letting you go to a better world. While I forgive you for not being around in smiles and sorrows, I regret not being around when you went away. 

I loved you. I always will. And as you transition into a different form, I join hands and say sorry. Life could not hold us together. In death, I shall meet you one day.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Papa, I miss you like a little girl!

Call me a pessimist, a cribber, or a negative soul. But I keep recapping and reviving pain from the past because it makes me stronger and better.

3 years back, on this date, Papa left me forever. But I know he has been helping me in creating this little world around me where I feel more secure and protected. When I think about this day, I cry. But at the same time, I know he is smiling up there, looking at me trying to befriend life.

People often come up and say, ‘let bygones be bygones’ or ‘why do you sound unhappy on twitter’. Some even say, ‘Forget things, people, and unpleasant situations and move on’. But I perpetually refuse. The past was my journey and so is my present. It is because of the deeper understanding of my experiences that I have been able to evolve. It is the insight into why I failed, that has helped me in developing a coping mechanism for myself which works rather beautifully. There are chapters which I have secretly written down, and in each of those weak moments, I know exactly which chapter I need to refer to. It is a better situation because my life is writing its own reference book.

As a result of all this balancing action inside, there is often an uproar outside. The uproar is visible, the chaos inside is not. So while there are many who only see the externally anxious me, they fail to appreciate the incredibly balanced me inside. The aggression and angst in me is not my disgust against anyone, it is just some of those fumes from inside that I let go. But trust me, this surreal balance that I manage to keep inside, gives me enough strength and the attitude to move on.

None of it was easy, but it was Papa’s upbringing and essence that kept me moving in this journey. It is his value system which sort of helps me to hold on to my belief and strength. As much as I know he has always been around, I miss him. I wanted him to hug me and appreciate. I wanted him to tell me he is proud seeing me complete some of his unfinished tasks. I wanted him to live. But within me, I shall never let him die.

Monday, January 7, 2013

People, yeah thank you!

This was less than two months after papa passed away, and mom was still struggling to recover from her injuries. One night, as I was lying all alone in the hospital room, brutally tortured, badly pained, and just about to lose hope, I decided to change life for good. I decided to take charge.

I remember looking at Maulik the night before I filed my papers. I remember the day I went to the court room, all alone. I wanted to sort it all, but with each passing day, life was becoming more complicated. I was insecure, unsure, and totally confused of where it was all going.

Life was struggling between trying to live without papa, the court case, getting used to single parenting, and also a mind which was apparently, losing balance. ‘You need a shrink’ people would advise. Family was sympathetic, and more. There was simmering pain inside, there were visual injuries outside – this was not a turn of life that I had ever expected.

And then there were these lessons that changed the way I was looking at life. The ‘what ifs’ of life suddenly became ‘what is’. I was learning to dismiss the ‘why me’ question that was haunting me. I was learning to spell DETACH and was able to exercise that into my life. The past was becoming weaker, and my determination was making me stronger.

In the dynamics of life, I never realized how I rediscovered self - confidence. had been feeling stronger but the pain was trying to pull me down. At this point, there were many people (from work, twitter, and life) who helped me in their own way to help me stand tall. The people who could move the mountain of apprehensions and fear in me aside just by telling me all that I needed to hear the most. I would not put names to the all those who have build a special relation by just being there, I would not even use a small word of thanks to acknowledge their contribution, but as long as I live, I will be indebted to these people and will make sure that I never let them down for the investment they have made in me. 

Yes, I am blessed. And as my struggle to re-discover myself and my search for quintessence in life continues, I just hope they stay close.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Maulik, mom loves you!

The most wonderful thing in life is to see your kids grow up. The way they observe, talk, walk, eat – everything is so dynamic and you can never match the speed.

Maulik is a sensitive kid. He saw us when papa passed away and without saying or asking much, was an integral part of our cynical life. He would say things that we never expected from a 5 year old.

His concern towards naani, the video he shot for her when she was in the hospital, his attempt to avoid any conversation around an accident, his saying sorry to the stars (naanu as he would call one of them) one day when he misbehaved with naani – all of it is saying the unsaid pain and anxiety in him. The day he met mom in the hospital, he was quick to say, ‘chalo achha hai naani God ke paas nahi ja rahi’.

Today, everyone talks about Maulik turning a naughty kid, naughtier than what he was an year back. I scold him, scream at him and fail to straighten him. But somehow, deep within I can see my failure in his behavior. For almost 6 months after papa passed away, I was never with him. He spent his days either with cousins, friends or neighbors, but never with me. He wandered on his journey from the age of 5 to 6, the very crucial years of his life, and I was busy with my own self, trying to gain strength to overcome the blows of life. In the process – I clearly ignored him.

While all of us complain about his behavior, I can see through him when he is sleeping next to me, sliding his hands in my t-shirt. I have failed enormous times in asking someone else to drop him at the bus stop so that I do not miss my cab. But I eventually miss it everyday. ‘Mom will drop me’ he would maintain. He even threatened to quit school if I cannot drop him to the bus stop. Countless discussions and here’s the final verdict with moisture in the eyes – ‘aap soft soft meri jaan ho, aur koi itna pyaara nahi and so I will not go with anyone else’. Speechless I was.

I have spent the entire year cribbing and complaining, cursing God for taking away so much from me. Someone who was always there, someone who, I feel is much more precious than anything I could ever deserve - Maulik, meaning precious.

Maulik, I am seeing the sensitive little fool in you. The mature mind who gets fidgety the moment he senses gloom in the house. I am sorry if I ignored you somewhere, and I promise to make life better and this world more beautiful for you.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Life after papa.

And there we were. Mom, Abby and Anuj, with teeka smeared on our forehead and roli on our wrists. There was silence, in the temple, and inside. Wet eyes, dry thoughts, and papa in our prayers. This was the day, an year ago, when papa was made to leave us.

We blamed God, we blamed the driver who rammed his truck into him, we blamed our destiny – but nothing made it easier to accept the hitting reality – papa was no more. The Whys and the Hows of what happened to us remained unanswered. The only piercing answer to everything was his death. The fact that he was no more.

And then we reached the orphanage. The same place where we celebrated maulik’s birthday last year. As papa had helped him slice the cake, the little faces were gleaming at the thought of gulping it. There was joy, so intrinsic to papa’s presence.

Today, our visit was rather sober.

A lot has changed for us in this year. Though emotionally we feel broke, mentally we have become much tougher. All of us, including Maulik. The little one asks intense questions about naanu, and I can never answer. So many things have pained us cruelly. Like the time when mom returned from the hospital and was face to face with papa’s picture on the wall. Or when after getting my promotion letter at the last job, I so much wanted to call papa. Recently at shopping, when glancing through those kurtas I pointed at one for her, I saw mom turning her face away. Beautiful crimson it was; clearly not the color she wants to consider now. It hurt. It fuckin’ did hurt.

The year has taught me that it is not just a life that falls silent. It is an entire world that crashes, a beautiful era that vanishes. The house that papa tastefully renovated only two years back stands silent, and waiting. The thing that they most enjoyed - their evening walks - would be now so lonely for mom and slower. Her favorite possessions in the almirah - those vivacious, flashy sarees - which once defined her style statement, are now hanging redundantly. For the stylish, savvy, prim and proper mom, I hope her personality sustains against the harsh social norms.

So ya, while the world took a 360 degree turn for us, there is one thing that remains unchanged. The cheerful faces of these young bubbly kids at the orphanage. One look at them and I felt life is enduring. Ajay is 5 and treats me like a friend. He flashes a smile the moment I tell him he is the naughtiest. He indeed is. But these kids have such contented faces. They are so young to acknowledge things, but much appreciate our visit. There was a smile on my face as I tried to wipe that tear on the corner of my eye.

Life indeed is a cruel reality. But we need to go on. And smile should be essential.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Perception of Inception

Whatever Shakespeare must have said, life certainly is not a play. It’s not a game that we kind of play up and down till we are finally put to sleep.

And definitely we are not toys. Not at all. So why do we perform. Yes we do, to commands, to wishes, to emotions. Right from the word go in our life to the moment when the coordinates match up to put us to sleep, we keep struggling with our acts. And this, much as we believe, is all controlled in the heart more than in the head.

Through our life we keep playing it up in the brain and most of us fail because I guess it is not meant to be like that. We plan, we align, and we connive actions based on a strategy which defines how it will affect others. Most of what we do is extremely planned to make sure it affects the surroundings in a certain designated way. So we are playing up to achieve an objective. And that is where we try and make life complex. Life is simpler when and if we realize that it is meant to be one’s own.

Agreed emotions play up big time and drive whatever they drive. But they play up to make things better; and hence they can stay. Negative emotions are destructive – much to the generator than to the target. That’s how we have made life such complicated maze. We do the most inhuman thing of influencing behaviours, thoughts, actions – not just our own, but also of others who complete our environment.

Imagine if life was all about the head, it would not have been a difficult game. Then we could run life like a detailed flowchart with curtailed chambers, defined access, and streamlined processes. I feel the heart, or the emotion, or humane feel brings in the challenge. It is all about the scheme of things and one’s ability to perceive and see things exactly the way they are designed to be seen. It’s just a perception of your feeling positive or negative about anything in the creation. Whatever perceived with negative intention will generate negative results and same positive intentions will breed positive outcome.

Unfortunately for most of us, our life is not our life but a culmination of what and hows of others that we live by everyday to satisfy this quench of aspirations. So the whole point is to just let life flow smooth without making an effort to strategize thinking, influence conduct and try to manage outcome. Plainly put inception is just out of the order, not needed, but so much there. Inception of aspirations is the real challenge for life.

Thanks Sumit for the discussion

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day - Miss you papa!!

You always thought that I did not see, The lessons of life that you were telling me,
Or that I would never carefully hear, Each of your words that were always so dear.

I did falter a lot in life, But not too long and never too dirty,
I did hurt and trouble you too much, But never lost your value-upbringing

Perhaps you thought I missed it all, And that we'd grow apart,
But papa, I was breathing everything, As it was always written on my heart.

Without you, Papa, I wouldn't be, The strong woman I am today;
You built a strong foundation, No one can take away.

I've grown up with your values, And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear papa, From your forever grateful beti.

Will miss you...always.

1977 - 2013 As I rubbed my fingers on your face, everything was numb. My fingers, your face, our heart beat, even my emotions for...