Monday, March 29, 2010

I saw papa in my dreams

He was holding my hand, rubbing his fingers on my nails, just the way I like. He said, “don’ worry, I am never going to leave you.” Then he planted a kiss on my cheeks and said, “You have seen enough pain, and things are going to change soon”. This was followed by a heart to heart chat while most of the time, as always, I was talking. But this time, I was not crying.

As we were riding in the car, he was slightly fretful about my driving, though was trying hard to hide his worries. Occasionally, he would blurt his remarks of caution. “Dhyaan se”, he would mumble. But sweet, he maintained I drive well. In his maroon sweater he looked good. I wore the same for his kirya.

As we went around Gurgaon, I experienced something that I hadn’t for some months now…I was smiling, not a phoney, void smile, but one, from deep within. One which was clearly spelling that I was happy, very happy. For once, I was feeling protected.

We ate together and I feasted – food was never so delectable. Every bite of dal- roti was tastier than the earlier one. With every bite he would feed, he looked into my eyes. There was a connection. I could read his soul, and he could read mine. He could sense my melancholy, and I could feel his concern. A relationship that sees no boundaries – of life, of death, of relationship, of distance - nothing.

For a moment it seemed like life was for living. And I pinched myself - dreams do not stay for long. They pass away with every night; and so, he had to go. His words of parting were words of motivation and assurance. My guardian angel that he is, he will forever be with me, he promised. Papa, I miss you – in dreams and in reality.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The circle of life

While mom spent more than 20 days on the 3rd floor of Metro hospital, Anuj is on the 1st floor at Paras. So here at Paras, I often press 3 instead of 1, to go to the ICU and land up at the maternity center of the hospital.

Maternity Center, 3rd floor - A place where life is proliferating. Giggles, lullaby and laughter…something that for sure is not for me. I Press 1 and the gloom again. The neurosurgery ICU - all patients waiting to meet their relatives, some would never be able to.

And here I see the game. From floor 1 to 3, life takes a full circle. It dies out at one place and multiplies at the other. Hmm, the lesson of life and death needs no instructor. I am learning it the hard way.

I am losing it. Death and pain has become so proximate. Hospital looks like second home. Suddenly it all looks staged...after all I am not a monster to deserve this. Or maybe, I need to be a better person.

Papa, calling for help.

My dream

I see him...lying on the road, wearing the same floral print blanket that he was wearing to the crematorium. I see police men emptying his pockets. 9 kms away from sonipat, I see papa waiting to be identified, and an ambulance on its way to bring him to his workplace, the civil hospital. I see it all the time, a dream visible to my open eyes.

Civil hospital - a place where he did, what no one ever did – extended help to anyone and everyone who needed him and had the audacity to rebuke his friends on the face if they ever went wrong . A man of words and principles, an accomplished person and a renowned professional.

Papa always said, “You should do what’s right, never reprobate your character for someone’s mistake”. I never ever thought I was capable of that. But today I think I am and I can. Yes, I can forgive the one who caused papa’s death, and the one who is responsible for Anuj’s condition. The jolts of life are making me a better person. Or maybe not, but I am trying for sure.

Help me papa.

Will miss you...always.

1977 - 2013 As I rubbed my fingers on your face, everything was numb. My fingers, your face, our heart beat, even my emotions for...