Thursday, September 2, 2010

Perception of Inception

Whatever Shakespeare must have said, life certainly is not a play. It’s not a game that we kind of play up and down till we are finally put to sleep.

And definitely we are not toys. Not at all. So why do we perform. Yes we do, to commands, to wishes, to emotions. Right from the word go in our life to the moment when the coordinates match up to put us to sleep, we keep struggling with our acts. And this, much as we believe, is all controlled in the heart more than in the head.

Through our life we keep playing it up in the brain and most of us fail because I guess it is not meant to be like that. We plan, we align, and we connive actions based on a strategy which defines how it will affect others. Most of what we do is extremely planned to make sure it affects the surroundings in a certain designated way. So we are playing up to achieve an objective. And that is where we try and make life complex. Life is simpler when and if we realize that it is meant to be one’s own.

Agreed emotions play up big time and drive whatever they drive. But they play up to make things better; and hence they can stay. Negative emotions are destructive – much to the generator than to the target. That’s how we have made life such complicated maze. We do the most inhuman thing of influencing behaviours, thoughts, actions – not just our own, but also of others who complete our environment.

Imagine if life was all about the head, it would not have been a difficult game. Then we could run life like a detailed flowchart with curtailed chambers, defined access, and streamlined processes. I feel the heart, or the emotion, or humane feel brings in the challenge. It is all about the scheme of things and one’s ability to perceive and see things exactly the way they are designed to be seen. It’s just a perception of your feeling positive or negative about anything in the creation. Whatever perceived with negative intention will generate negative results and same positive intentions will breed positive outcome.

Unfortunately for most of us, our life is not our life but a culmination of what and hows of others that we live by everyday to satisfy this quench of aspirations. So the whole point is to just let life flow smooth without making an effort to strategize thinking, influence conduct and try to manage outcome. Plainly put inception is just out of the order, not needed, but so much there. Inception of aspirations is the real challenge for life.

Thanks Sumit for the discussion

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Father's Day - Miss you papa!!

You always thought that I did not see, The lessons of life that you were telling me,
Or that I would never carefully hear, Each of your words that were always so dear.

I did falter a lot in life, But not too long and never too dirty,
I did hurt and trouble you too much, But never lost your value-upbringing

Perhaps you thought I missed it all, And that we'd grow apart,
But papa, I was breathing everything, As it was always written on my heart.

Without you, Papa, I wouldn't be, The strong woman I am today;
You built a strong foundation, No one can take away.

I've grown up with your values, And I'm very glad I did;
So here's to you, dear papa, From your forever grateful beti.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Maulik turns 5

We needed reasons to smile. Maulik's birthday reminded me that life has to go on and the little one deserves to celebrate. Arranged a small party for him - 4 gals and 1 boy. The kids seemed to have a good time.

Monday, March 29, 2010

I saw papa in my dreams

He was holding my hand, rubbing his fingers on my nails, just the way I like. He said, “don’ worry, I am never going to leave you.” Then he planted a kiss on my cheeks and said, “You have seen enough pain, and things are going to change soon”. This was followed by a heart to heart chat while most of the time, as always, I was talking. But this time, I was not crying.

As we were riding in the car, he was slightly fretful about my driving, though was trying hard to hide his worries. Occasionally, he would blurt his remarks of caution. “Dhyaan se”, he would mumble. But sweet, he maintained I drive well. In his maroon sweater he looked good. I wore the same for his kirya.

As we went around Gurgaon, I experienced something that I hadn’t for some months now…I was smiling, not a phoney, void smile, but one, from deep within. One which was clearly spelling that I was happy, very happy. For once, I was feeling protected.

We ate together and I feasted – food was never so delectable. Every bite of dal- roti was tastier than the earlier one. With every bite he would feed, he looked into my eyes. There was a connection. I could read his soul, and he could read mine. He could sense my melancholy, and I could feel his concern. A relationship that sees no boundaries – of life, of death, of relationship, of distance - nothing.

For a moment it seemed like life was for living. And I pinched myself - dreams do not stay for long. They pass away with every night; and so, he had to go. His words of parting were words of motivation and assurance. My guardian angel that he is, he will forever be with me, he promised. Papa, I miss you – in dreams and in reality.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The circle of life

While mom spent more than 20 days on the 3rd floor of Metro hospital, Anuj is on the 1st floor at Paras. So here at Paras, I often press 3 instead of 1, to go to the ICU and land up at the maternity center of the hospital.

Maternity Center, 3rd floor - A place where life is proliferating. Giggles, lullaby and laughter…something that for sure is not for me. I Press 1 and the gloom again. The neurosurgery ICU - all patients waiting to meet their relatives, some would never be able to.

And here I see the game. From floor 1 to 3, life takes a full circle. It dies out at one place and multiplies at the other. Hmm, the lesson of life and death needs no instructor. I am learning it the hard way.

I am losing it. Death and pain has become so proximate. Hospital looks like second home. Suddenly it all looks staged...after all I am not a monster to deserve this. Or maybe, I need to be a better person.

Papa, calling for help.

My dream

I see him...lying on the road, wearing the same floral print blanket that he was wearing to the crematorium. I see police men emptying his pockets. 9 kms away from sonipat, I see papa waiting to be identified, and an ambulance on its way to bring him to his workplace, the civil hospital. I see it all the time, a dream visible to my open eyes.

Civil hospital - a place where he did, what no one ever did – extended help to anyone and everyone who needed him and had the audacity to rebuke his friends on the face if they ever went wrong . A man of words and principles, an accomplished person and a renowned professional.

Papa always said, “You should do what’s right, never reprobate your character for someone’s mistake”. I never ever thought I was capable of that. But today I think I am and I can. Yes, I can forgive the one who caused papa’s death, and the one who is responsible for Anuj’s condition. The jolts of life are making me a better person. Or maybe not, but I am trying for sure.

Help me papa.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Papa, why?

Whenever I was in a problem situation, you would say, “ho jayega”. The two words were nothing less than a confirmation that things have been managed. They say when you say your prayers, God actually listens to your problems and helps you unravel them. Saying anything to you meant the same.

Be it mental, emotional, financial, or any other apprehension…you always guaranteed relief. But now, wondering - ab sab kaise ho jayega?

As I try and go to bed every night, my mind wanders to find an answer and understand why you left me alone to fight all my problems, and at the same time, entrusted bigger responsibilities on me. Do you actually consider me that competent and think I can handle it all? Or are you, like always, testing me, waiting to give me that comforting, sarcastic smile as I fail?

Papa, how will I get my answers to those unanswered questions that you have left behind? How will I ever pass in any test, now that you are not around to help?

Why papa, Why?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Pain: It hurts no more.

After experiencing the highest form of grief, there seems to be nothing that can hurt more. But when it comes to mom, it pinches. I doubt HIS existence now, but if God is there – he has been most unfair to her. Everytime I see her in the ICU, my heart bleeds. But there is numbness. I can’t feel no pain, no fear, because I have seen the worst already.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Life: Some scattered pieces of glass.

And life takes a wrong turn. The road ahead is rough, but there is no other route. There are certain situations that you cannot afford to avoid. Am living through some of them.

Papa’s death has brought us on this sloppy road which seems to be leading to nowhere. But this tough journey is inevitable, and another fall is intolerable.

As I met mom on her 4th day in the ICU, she looked so docile and petite – very unlike her usual self. Her tough authoritative body language was so mild and timid. Inspite of all this, I lied.

Never had lying pinched me so much. As I blurted scripted sentences of papa’s recovery, she seemed to be getting more relaxed and positive. How will I do it to her – snatch all her positivity and enthusiasm to recover by saying those dreaded words – Papa is no more. I wish time can stand still.


When he arrived, he was lifeless. An immensely loved and respected person, he was suddenly referred to as a body.

Cruel death - just a body he became. I touched his arm, fearing if it was intact. I felt him – his arms, his hands – even as he lay dead, his hands were so comforting. I could have lived by him like that forever, drawing strength and inspiration from his lifeless body. But he had to go.

They took him away and lit his pyre, burning all the happiness that we deserved. His last rites saw hundreds – friends, relatives, doctors, and many unknown sobbing people – people he hadn’t met for long but impacted in some way or the other. I always knew it, but everyone who came, reiterated that he was a great man. Indeed he was.

Will miss you papa.

Will miss you...always.

1977 - 2013 As I rubbed my fingers on your face, everything was numb. My fingers, your face, our heart beat, even my emotions for...