How we Indians mess up at 'Empathising'?

I spent the evening today, trying to find out why most of us suck at empathising. I read many articles, most of which were about the need for empathetic approach at workplace ad why should leaders learn the skill. I could not, however, find anything that talks about empathy towards someone suffering physical and mental illness. 

I decided to analyse the most common empathetic reactions of people around me, and I realized that we just do not know how to empathise. We are well-meaning and therefore try to overcompensate for our lack of understanding. In the process, we end up scrubbing few wounds rather than even healing one.

As the sufferer starts responding to, ‘I heard you are not feeling well today’, he notices that the person who posed the question is busy messaging on the phone, while trying to fake interest in the response. He stops and the conversation abruptly ends. DO NOT ASK IF YOU DO NOT MEAN TO ASK.

People think humour is a great way to pull someone out of miseries. ‘Is the shit hitting the fan today also’? ‘Are you going to be sulking the whole day today’? ‘You seem to be failing all the doctors’. DO NOT CRACK JOKES. THEY PINCH LIKE NEEDLES.

Often, we are so cautious in the presence of the sufferer, that we avoid any conversation. Not knowing what to say can also be a reason for our silence. Trust me, even holding hands, giving a hug, rubbing the shoulders can do magic. Silence hurts, but a physical touch can do wonders. DO NOT BE A MUTE SPECTATOR. 

We Indians are very obsessed with physical appearance. ‘Oh, you look awful’. ‘Look at you, what have you done to yourself’. By saying all of this, you give another worry to the sufferer and leave him sulking. Even a compliment does not work here. 'You look fab’ or ‘wow, you look so better’ will not work. Untrue statements will create mistrust. DO NOT MAKE IT ABOUT PHYSICAL APPEARANCE. 

Many many times, I have seen people trying really hard to get into your skin. In the process, they make it more about their sufferings, and end up adding more load on the sufferer. ‘Yeah, when I was in this condition, I could not sleep through the night’. ‘Oh, Chintu almost died of this condition.’ EXPERIENCE SHARING IS NOT REQUIRED. 

In my pursuit, I also read about some elements required for empathetic behaviour, and I realised what is most important is emotional intelligence (EI). EI lets you get into the skin of the sufferer to understand his or her mental conditioning and react with utmost care. 

I thought long and hard and was trying to imagine what is it that someone who is mentally or physically hurt, would like to hear. Here’s what I could come up with:

‘I can see you are in pain, but you are strong’.
‘You are holding up very well. You are amazing’.
‘I feel your pain, and I know this will not last long’.
‘Once this is over, we will spend a day in the salon’.
‘I may not be in your situation, but I am with you in coming out of it’

I think we really need to calm down when we are with friends and family who need our support, and try to weigh in on everything we do and say. Nothing can go wrong when we are with our best intention.