Status Change: Single Parent

We all want to live a healthy, long life. Hence, the discomfort around death is normal. However, somewhere I always feel that single parents are more worried about their death, with concerns related to their kid's well-being and future if they were to pass away. This surely leads to anxiety about the subject of death.

I feel that for most parents, when a partner dies or separates, the foremost thought is about bringing up the child alone. After I lost my partner 10 years ago on this date to an accident, I struggled with lack of confidence to parent a child alone. Also, the thought of making Maulik realise that our world was just me and him was so earth shattering.

Through the years, as I battled some health challenges, my obvious thought was, ‘can I afford to die’. I mean I want to watch him graduate, get married, and have babies. I want to be around to answer his questions about love, life, relationships, society and if he were to ask me, even boring things like banking, investments, taxes.

I stumbled, for a while, but eventually regained my footing. Part of the solo parenting journey was to learn to dismiss what everyone says, get out of self pity, and friendzone the kid. Along the way, I laid down my guard and learned to ask for help. And when I did that, I realised that the world was a much bigger place. My immediate family, for example, has been a finger distance away, always ready to guide, support and offer love and care. My brother, who has always been a father figure to M, my sis in law who has been M’s bestest buddy. Not to mention my mom who is always there like an umbrella. There are many friends who've been there to make me feel stronger and taller. Can't thank them enough. 

With this realisation that I am not alone, it became okay to believe that I can be hit by a shooting meteor and die any moment. Death will not announce. And while everything around started looking safe, and I was secure in my knowledge that I was doing everything in my power not to die, I realised it was time to get my affairs in order...just in case. Create financial cushion, do well with savings and investments, choose a legal guardian, have all the important documents well sorted, prepare a will, are things that can bring a measure of comfort. I am on top of this list already.

I also realised that once you've established a guardian, it is important to inform him or her of your expectations for your kids, including the hopes you have for them and the values you hold dear. I remember mumbling on the hospital bed once, ‘If I die, don’t send M to a hostel, he has always hated that idea.’ I have also made plans for his wedding and spoken about them. (okay that is silly, I admit).

So my advice to all single parents would be to take the time to document your wishes along with a fool proof will. And hey, did I forget mentioning life insurance policies so that when you die, you make the child rich at least. But on a serious note, what is most important is to keep faith. The universe has a way of leading us to do the right things for our kids. The path of faith may seem steep, but it always leads us to something good and secure.

How soon can we forget?

 We recently marked the anniversary of thaali banging, aka Covid in full swing. 

For most people around me, the pandemic is a long-forgotten phase. They are back in swing, in full revenge mode. Revenge shopping, travel, marriages and what not. But somewhere, I feel that in so many ways, my life can never be normal after corona. There is not a day, a memory from those days does not hit me. I stumble upon random numbers of oxygen suppliers, hospitals etc. Those nights we had spent arranging hospital beds and medical supplies for patients can never be forgotten. And the memories of those calls saying it was too late to help will always hurt. 

Most of these incidents felt very personal, but two of them I cannot forget, ever. 

V's father was breathing from an Oxygen cylinder. That evening, his supply was running out. V went to nearby hospitals,but could not find help. V's father was gasping for breath, he could not even find oxygen cylinder anywhere. He called my co-volunteer, Pranjal, who swung into action and convinced a Sardarji to open his store and provide Oxygen cans.

We were all under severe stress, V was in panic. When I asked Sardarji about money, he said, 'take the oxygen cans right now, save the man first'. I quickly booked an Uber, and requested the driver to rush to V's house with the cans. Pranjal was on call with V, trying to calm down V...his dad's breath was getting heavier.

V's dad stopped breathing. He was dead. Pranjal alerted the local cops so that someone could be there to take care of the body and be there for young V. He has seen his dad dying infront of him, wanting to breathe...terrible shock for a young boy.

That night, I froze, almost went into shock. The pain that V must have gone through & my guilt for not being able to help him on time comes back every night.

And there's another story of a 16 year old Misbah.

Masbah's parents were in the hospital and he was struggling for oxygen cylinders and funds to manage the hospital expenses. The little boy was going through the worst struggle. Every time he would call me, he would be anxious, almost crying, and begging me for help. The fact that he could not move out of the hospital to pick up supplies was also a problem. Finding someone to arrange and deliver oxygen cylinder was a luxury in that time. But the universe around us helped. Somone from north Delhi agreed to book an uber and deliver oxygen which we arranged from the other side of the city. But help reched his parents on time. In the following days, many people came forward to help him. Both his parents recovered, and he was very happy the last time we spoke.

There are many untold stories of grief and of human beings standing for each other. Of politicians being politicians, but people becoming angels. If not anything, I hope the memories of the period keep us kinder, more empathetic and less greedy. If the pandemic did not teach us that, nothing would.

That Girl by The Cafe

She was sitting under a big orange umbrella, matching the colour of her pullover. I could see her face clearly through the lights.

There was something special about her. I think it was her smile. The moment she took off her mask, there was a spark no one could miss. 

She had a strange calm on her face...something you hardly see in the middle of the hustle bustle of this city. She chose a seat right next to the entrance of the cafe, on the outside. Perfect choice for a day which is not very hot, and not so cold either. She was quick to order. She knew exactly what she wanted.

I was bored with the gentleman I was meeting and her presence instantly engaged me. Thankfully, we were at a table right next to her.

I had barely finished half my cup, when the waiter arrived with her order. A bowl of Maggie and a plate of French Fries with a unusually big serving of ketchup. I smiled. It was my kind of order. It was the perfect place and the perfect time to enjoy Maggie. I was sure someone would soon join her.

I was wrong.  

She started eating. The pattern very cyclical. A spoon of Maggie, followed by French Fries dipped in ketchup. Repeat. In no time, tea arrived. 

Her mobile phone was placed on the table, clipped on a stand, erect enough for her to look into it while she was eating. I could see her smiling occasionally. 'What is she watching', I was thinking.

I saw her giggle a couple of times. I had never seen someone enjoying a meal so much. Alone, yet so entertained. She continued to look at the mobile screen as she munched a couple of more fries, while the Maggie was over. I was so badly wanting for my meeting to get over. 

In a couple of minutes, the waiter arrived. 'Will she walk away after paying the bill?' I was wrong. I was hoping for her to stay around. 

I saw her checking the menu  and I assumed that she might get something packed to carry home. Maybe she lives alone. Or maybe she's carrying food for someone else who stays with her. My mind was wrapped around her.

I  started looking inside the cafe, trying to second-guess what the waiter would arrive with. And there came a fancy brownie, loaded with a big scoop of ice cream, placed carefully between a hot plate. Little drops of ice cream were falling on the hot plate, and I could hear them sizzle. 

Her face lit up. She switched off her phone, dipped her spoon in the heart of the oozing chocolate, and was enjoying her treat while looking around.

For a moment, I started wondering how long I have been thinking about celebrating myself alone.
Going out alone. Doing crazy things alone. Watch a movie alone. Traveling alone. But I'm not sure how much I would enjoy my own company. 

In that hour, she taught me how to be with oneself, stay calm and composed, and have fun. I decided to  start from here, and do exactly the same. Order a weird combo in this cozy cafe someday, and entertain myself. 

I just hope to keep smiling like she did. That girl by the cafe. 

The School Bus

I thought I heard the school bus
Accompanied by cheering from parents, ‘run fast, you can still catch it’
Did I also hear some cars honk, getting impatient as the bus waits?

I was making my morning tea.
I did not hear anything; my imagination just played.
Two years, no screeching brake sounds from school buses
None have gone to school
They have been waiting. Just like the kids.

Little Neph is waiting to play with friends,
Son keeps dribbling his football looking over the turf from our balcony
None can leave the house, let alone be in the playground.

‘God, please cure the world of Corona so that I can go out and play with friends’, prays the little one. I look up in hope.
Hope someone up there listens. Hope the kids get to play soon. Hope the buses start plying.
Hold on to what we have. Hope.