Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Will miss you...always.

1977 - 2013
As I rubbed my fingers on your face, everything was numb. My fingers, your face, our heart beat, even my emotions for you. Everything was dead. Just as you were. 

After sharing 15 years of life with you, it was not easy to let you go. Neither in life, nor in death. Filing divorce was as painful. It hurt almost the same. You were gone already in life, leaving us in death at this juncture was cruel. 

This struggle of living the last two years alone, and the effort of trying to be independent and reasonably stable, suddenly suffered a blow. It felt like someone had hit my back bone with a hammer. The strength, the confidence, the faith, all of it was crashing right there in front of my eyes. I wanted to win this battle with you, you defeated me with your death.

This life was unfair. We met, we loved, but we could not co-exist. I warned you. The day you crossed the road without me, I stopped you. I was in panic when you drifted from life. I was scared when I saw you crash. I wanted to hold your hand, you were already headed out for the unknown destruction. 

I could not stop you, I could not change you. Deserting you was not an option, but a decision to keep Maulik away from the misery of a deranged home. While you were gone, there were challenges thrown in every day. The rooms had gone silent, the bed was lonely, the balcony held nothing but gloom. 

In the middle of all of this, I was building life for Me and Maulik. We were taking small steps everyday, holding each other as close as we could. I was emerging stronger, he was growing smarter. In this parallel world, we were trying to create a small happy family. As much as I used to miss Papa in my struggle every day, I would miss you in his moments of achievement.

In death today, you took away a lot of me with you. There was love in holding you all these years, but there was even more love in letting you go to a better world. While I forgive you for not being around in smiles and sorrows, I regret not being around when you went away. 

I loved you. I always will. And as you transition into a different form, I join hands and say sorry. Life could not hold us together. In death, I shall meet you one day.

8 comments:

Radhika said...

You are the bravest person I know. Only you could have said all this for someone who gave you and Maulik so much pain. I know and have seen the love that preceded the pain. I know the yearning you felt for him when you were still not together.

It is true that love is truly greater than everything else and that is what you are feeling right now. I am happy you are at peace with your anger and love has conquered your heart again - even if death was the reason for it to happen.

Stay strong. Above all, Anuj's love will be with you and Maulik always. It will make you stronger - cos after leaving this life, he shall also be purified from all his malices.

My heart and bext wishes are always there for you - even if you don't see my around. Hope to see you soon. Lots of love.

Vani Taneja said...

Hi Shweta, I came across this post of yours at a moment when I was feeling very low. After reading your blog, I feel too ashamed to have felt that way because my issues don't even exist in comparison to what you are facing.

Unknowingly, you have given me strength at a time when I needed it. Will pray to God to give you more strength.

You are an idol!

Vani - one of your followers on twitter

Vani Taneja said...

Hi Shweta, I came across this post of yours at a moment when I was feeling very low. After reading your blog, I feel too ashamed to have felt that way because my issues don't even exist in comparison to what you are facing.

Unknowingly, you have given me strength at a time when I needed it. Will pray to God to give you more strength.

You are an idol!

Vani - one of your followers on twitter

Anonymous said...
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haps foryou said...

Hi Shweta,Just read ur blog and thought mera gam kitna kam hai...salute to ur strength , ur lines will make me strong to fight life. take care . love & regards. sunil

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Ankur Gupta said...

Resentment is the poison you swallow hoping the other person will die..

Glad you chose to move ahead and build a life. Glad you could forgive and love.

Buddhist say, when the god gives you trouble it just means that you are that much closer to him and he is testing you that much harder.

Ashish Agarwal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.