Call me a pessimist, a cribber, or a negative soul. But I keep recapping and reviving pain from the past because it makes me stronger and better.
3 years back, on this date, Papa left me forever. But I know he has been helping me in creating this little world around me where I feel more secure and protected. When I think about this day, I cry. But at the same time, I know he is smiling up there, looking at me trying to befriend life.
People often come up and say, ‘let bygones be bygones’ or ‘why do you sound unhappy on twitter’. Some even say, ‘Forget things, people, and unpleasant situations and move on’. But I perpetually refuse. The past was my journey and so is my present. It is because of the deeper understanding of my experiences that I have been able to evolve. It is the insight into why I failed, that has helped me in developing a coping mechanism for myself which works rather beautifully. There are chapters which I have secretly written down, and in each of those weak moments, I know exactly which chapter I need to refer to. It is a better situation because my life is writing its own reference book.
As a result of all this balancing action inside, there is often an uproar outside. The uproar is visible, the chaos inside is not. So while there are many who only see the externally anxious me, they fail to appreciate the incredibly balanced me inside. The aggression and angst in me is not my disgust against anyone, it is just some of those fumes from inside that I let go. But trust me, this surreal balance that I manage to keep inside, gives me enough strength and the attitude to move on.
None of it was easy, but it was Papa’s upbringing and essence that kept me moving in this journey. It is his value system which sort of helps me to hold on to my belief and strength. As much as I know he has always been around, I miss him. I wanted him to hug me and appreciate. I wanted him to tell me he is proud seeing me complete some of his unfinished tasks. I wanted him to live. But within me, I shall never let him die.